Needed.

From the moment we found out we were expecting Carter, it was stressed to me how important our breastfeeding relationship would be. I was told to push through all sorts of nightmare situations that come alongside breastfeeding, and how I couldn't afford to do it any other way. My now husband and I weren't married and weren't in the stereotypical situation of which is recommended to bring kids into this world, but we paid our bills, had extra to go do some nice things, attended college and that was the best we could do. Despite the recommendations I bought bottles, I had no idea what breastfeeding would mean and if I could do it or not, but I didn't want to be unprepared if I couldn't live up to the expectation. And before we knew it he was here, and then it began.

We had a NICU baby, who was born at 42 weeks gestation.. who expects this? His blood sugars were dangerously low. My breasts produced nothing. A nurse encouraged me to feed, then pump every three hours, a process that in total took about 1.5 hours. I was constantly having my boobs messed with for hours at a time and then about an hour after they got a break I was back at it again. The only thing keeping me going was the fact that.. it didn't hurt. All the painfulness they promised me wasn't happening. I sat expecting it and days went by, I no longer had to pump, I fed as necessary and it never hurt. My son and I were the perfect team, he latched great and my body made my life easier by avoiding the cracking, the uterine pain and the chapped nipples. Breastfeeding was almost to easy for us which was far from expected, yet cherished.

Now I can sit here and pretend that we had this easy breezy journey with no pain and all smiles but I would be lying to you! Something no one had prepared me for was the realization that I was it.. every midnight cry was aimed at me and only me. Hours of being awake while my husband snored away became daunting. I knew he needed the sleep more than I did, I had the opportunities to nap through the day while he worked and attended school full time but emotionally I was drained. There were many times I wished I was able to shake him awake and let him know that it was "his turn" while I was able to sleep through it. I consulted a friend and shared with her my woes and it wasn't until that moment that I recognized the gift I was given, my entire world changed with some seemingly simple words. "Welcome to Motherhood."

Welcome to motherhood.. a world in which you put everything and everyone before yourself without hesitation, you think about every minuscule decision three times over, you sacrifice what you need to in order to provide, and through it all you are met with an over abundance of love that your heart alone cannot contain. I am Mom. I am powerful and determined, and I am needed. My son trusts ME to provide all that he needs. I am his home base, his safe haven. In this new and scary world he confided in ME to guide him. I've never been "needed" in my life, and just like that I felt courageous each time I responded to his cries. Every time I breastfed I was calming my son and showing him that I will in fact be here, always, for everything he needs without fail.

As he grew he needed me less and less, and as those little moments slip from my grip I caught myself saying what everyone had promised me that I would.. I missed them. Eventually he grew the courage to crawl away from me, take steps without holding onto my hands, and explore places without being by my side. But we held onto breastfeeding, it was my cherished quite time. The only time I could rally my growing toddler into my arms in complete stillness just to gaze into each others eyes. In the craziness of family get togethers I was able to take a break with him and I and just be us, no one else needed to be there.

A few months ago I started noticing that he needed breastfeeding less and less, his busy little mind and body didn't quite have the time to slow down for even a moment. At 14 months we were now only breastfeeding once before bed, and that was all he needed. 

Two days ago he told me he didn't need that anymore. I was heartbroken while singing him to sleep as he dozed off without our nightly routine, and we have yet to look back since. But I trust him, and I admire his ability to grow and learn and make his own decisions, and this is one of them, one that had to happen eventually. As our journey came to an end I found myself sadder than I care to remember but God seems to send me moments of reassurance right when they are needed most. The very next day in the midst of all the playing and making messes and crying and being a boy he paused to come over to me, plop down in my lap, kiss me and fall asleep. Although our journey may be over now and many more journeys will come to there ends some day, for now I know he still needs me. I am still his guide through this world in which he has hardly touched, I am here to show him the ropes and raise a boy into a strong and respectable man just like his father.

So cheers to the first of the lasts, cheers to many tears, and cheers to sweet defining moments of Motherhood. Welcome.

-T