I have been pleasantly surprised with the ease of our transition into life with two children. The love they have for each other always astounds me, our days are filled with such joy (and minor chaos). I don't know how we ever lived without the both of them! While transitioning to two wasn't the nightmare for me that everyone made it out to be, no transition comes flawlessly.
The hardest part of my transition has not been what you would think, we were lucky to escape jealousy issues, we sleep well at night, Carter has been happy as ever and Colbie is an absolute gem. The hardest part of the transition is myself. There are few nights where I don't sit there wishing I had more hours in the day for my kids. I remember spending all day giving Carter attention because he was my only little one and I loved that! Most nights I will think back on my day and wish I had more of myself to go around to give one of my kids just a little bit more. Whether that day was consumed with toddler sized tantrums and Carter demanding my attention or maybe that day Colbie was a little fussier than normal and I wasn't able to sit and color with Carter like we are used to.
I go to sleep needing more time.
I want to be able to lay on the floor with Colbie giving her undivided attention and helping her thrive all while having a few hours to do arts and crafts and run around with my growing boy. Between that, typical household duties and being a student I can't seemingly find the happy middle ground.
AJ and I want a large family and always have, it's a dream of mine. But I can't help but think that if I don't have the time now I certainly won't have the time when we add more. How am I supposed to give enough time and attention to five children when I am failing at doing so with two? For the first time in my life I have thought very seriously about the fact that I may be done having children. I was sharing this with my husband the other night when he asked me one question..
Do you think our kids feel this way?
... Well. No.
They know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they are loved, neither one of them seems to feel neglected at the end of the day. Neither of them are failing to thrive because of me. They are happy, they are healthy and they love their mother.
I have to remind myself often that many times my own insecurities can take a vicious hold of my mind and that when I take the time to look at things from a new angle I am often left feeling pretty silly. While I will still always wish for more hours in the day to spend with my babies I have to remind myself that they love this life just as much as I do, even if maybe that day we didn't get to color as long or roll around on the floor as much. My heart is big enough for the both of them even if the day is not!
Let's all take a moment and quit beating ourselves up for little things that may not be worth our time, take a deep breath and know that our children love us for all that we are and all that we do.
- T
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