The Hardest Part

I have been pleasantly surprised with the ease of our transition into life with two children. The love they have for each other always astounds me, our days are filled with such joy (and minor chaos). I don't know how we ever lived without the both of them! While transitioning to two wasn't the nightmare for me that everyone made it out to be, no transition comes flawlessly.

The hardest part of my transition has not been what you would think, we were lucky to escape jealousy issues, we sleep well at night, Carter has been happy as ever and Colbie is an absolute gem. The hardest part of the transition is myself. There are few nights where I don't sit there wishing I had more hours in the day for my kids. I remember spending all day giving Carter attention because he was my only little one and I loved that! Most nights I will think back on my day and wish I had more of myself to go around to give one of my kids just a little bit more. Whether that day was consumed with toddler sized tantrums and Carter demanding my attention or maybe that day Colbie was a little fussier than normal and I wasn't able to sit and color with Carter like we are used to.

I go to sleep needing more time.

I want to be able to lay on the floor with Colbie giving her undivided attention and helping her thrive all while having a few hours to do arts and crafts and run around with my growing boy. Between that, typical household duties and being a student I can't seemingly find the happy middle ground.

AJ and I want a large family and always have, it's a dream of mine. But I can't help but think that if I don't have the time now I certainly won't have the time when we add more. How am I supposed to give enough time and attention to five children when I am failing at doing so with two? For the first time in my life I have thought very seriously about the fact that I may be done having children. I was sharing this with my husband the other night when he asked me one question..

Do you think our kids feel this way?

... Well. No.

They know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they are loved, neither one of them seems to feel neglected at the end of the day. Neither of them are failing to thrive because of me. They are happy, they are healthy and they love their mother.

I have to remind myself often that many times my own insecurities can take a vicious hold of my mind and that when I take the time to look at things from a new angle I am often left feeling pretty silly. While I will still always wish for more hours in the day to spend with my babies I have to remind myself that they love this life just as much as I do, even if maybe that day we didn't get to color as long or roll around on the floor as much. My heart is big enough for the both of them even if the day is not!

Let's all take a moment and quit beating ourselves up for little things that may not be worth our time, take a deep breath and know that our children love us for all that we are and all that we do.

- T

Hobokin & Co

I am so excited to share with you today my new favorite staple piece to, literally, any outfit of mine! The Hobokin & Co Rose Quartz Drop necklace! What enticed me most to this piece is the rose quartz itself, I had heard of all of its incredible benefits but have never been able to try it out for myself, so once I saw that Lauryn had them in her shop I knew I had to snag one.

The rose quartz is considered to be the stone of love, helping you to rid of any emotional wounds that you may have (whether big or small!). In my case I knew it could help me in my relationship with my husband, although our relationship is strong and beautiful I have a tendency to bring up the past a lot in arguments which I know is not beneficial. I wanted the rose quartz to help me rid of all the petty little issues that my husband and I had in the past and be able to focus in on the "now". Issues like "Well.. two weeks ago you forgot to put the towel back on the rack and left it on the floor!", those little tiny issues grew to be one big issue making it hard for me to see the beauty in all the other parts of our relationship. The rose quartz also provides a deep sense of fulfilment and contentment allowing one to truly give and receive love from others, which is something I knew I needed in regards to my children on the days that I feel under appreciated (which can be most days!).

Another thing I deeply admire about Hobokin & Co is not only the quality of Lauryn's products but the fact that all of her pieces are made by her hard working momma hands in her home during her spare time in order to provide for her family. There is nothing sweeter than knowing that you are contributing directly to a family's dinner table, and there is nothing more inspiring than a mother who works so hard to provide it. Her "job" is less of a job to her and more of a source of happiness and meditation and you can see this through the love she puts into all of her work.

Want to see the entire Hobokin & Co collection? Click HERE and be sure to use the code "ddd20" for 20% off your next purchase!

- T

| http://www.hobokinandco.com/ | Sterling Silver Quartz Drop with Silver Bar |

Telling our Families we were Pregnant

This week we are spending time on the vlog catching everyone up on our past all the way up to our present! There is a whole lot to our story just to put into a few short minutes of film but this sums it up pretty well. Be sure to watch to hear about how I met my husband and how we told our families we were expecting the arrival of our sweet sweet boy!

- T

Welcome to YouTube!

We are so excite to announce the beginning of our Vlogging Journey! Long awaited we finally took the plunge into the youtube world (as if we didn't already have our hands full) and posted our first video! Be sure to subscribe to our channel for more updates about our crazy family!

- T

Car Seat Safety

Tis' the season for traveling, and whether you are traveling near or far safety is always a priority. There are some things that I wouldn't have known I was doing wrong unless someone was kind enough to point out my mistakes. All too often I see mothers lashing out on those who offer their advice with the "I'm his mother not you", and while there are situations that will warrant that response, I hardly believe that any situation regarding the potential life or death of your child is one of them. I've gathered a few tips that make our lives easier as well as guidelines for traveling safely with your children in hopes of making your holiday trips a little easier.

1. Clip and Straps
It takes only a few extra seconds of your time to ensure that your children's chest clip and straps are in the right place, a few seconds of time to safe your child from harms way. The chest clip should rest at the level of the armpit and no higher or lower. Make sure that the straps themselves are not twisted and that they come from behind the shoulders and not above.

2. Bulky Clothing

Something that many may not know is dangerous, especially during these cold months, is that any big and bulky coats are a hazard to the safety and efficiency of your car seat. Below you can see how loose my son's straps were after buckling him in with his winter coat and then taking it off, if you can pinch the straps they are too loose!

Instead of using big bulky coats, start the car ahead of time allowing it to warm up, pack the coats in your diaper bag and have blankets to use while in the car. You can just as easily put the jacket on your children once you arrive to your destination! In our car we keep a soft cloth box between the kids filled with blankets, coats, hats, gloves and other things to help keep them safe while they are also warm!

3. Keep Space

Something that I was completely unaware of before having children was that you should always have space between the car seat and headrests to keep your children safe in the event of a collision. This little bit of space can make a huge difference if your car was to become compact during a head on collision! Take a few moments to adjust your seats accordingly!

4. No Accessories

This one is simple but vastly unknown. If you add any extra padding or accessories to your car seat you are potentially creating an unsafe situation as well as voiding any warranty on your car seat. The seats are designed and tested to be safe without the extras so they are simply unnecessary. 

5. Level Indicator

On a majority of newer car seats you will find that they come with a level indicator that will show you exactly the angle your car seat needs to be at according to the age and weight of your children. As you can imagine my newborn is more reclined than my almost 2 year old, and thanks to the level indicator I am able to adjust this as they grow!

6. Just Do It

This is the "tip" that I find myself most passionate about. Why? Because I would never forgive myself if something happened to my toddler that I could have prevented. I rear face my 22 month old with no intentions of that changing any time soon. He weighs 28 lbs and is a short little guy, his car seat says that I can start facing him forwards at 20 lbs but can rear face him until he reaches 40. Why do the bear minimum requirements of anything in life? Beyond all excuses I have ever heard this is not just for fun, there is science behind why this is safer for your children and there is nothing that will keep me from keeping them as safe as possible. This is helpful information from Car Seats for the Littles (a highly trusted car seat safety source) :

Vertebrae at age 1 (left) and 6 (right)

"let’s talk crashes. According to NHTSA, roughly 60% of vehicle crashes are frontal impacts and 20% are side impacts. During a crash, occupants will travel towards the point of impact, putting all the stress on the neck and spine. At that moment there are actually three impacts: the vehicle striking whatever it strikes, the body of the occupant being retained by the seat belt or harness, and then the internal organs striking the front of the inside of the body. When someone is rear facing, crashes two and three occur in concert and the forces of the crash are more equally diffused along the shell of the seat, holding the neck and spine in line.

The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends rear facing until a minimum of age two, based on findings published by BMJ Injury Prevention. This study compared injury statistics for 15 years worth of crashes involving children under age 2. Researchers compared the injuries sustained by the children in crashes and found “the odds of severe injury for forward-facing infants under 12 months of age were 1.79 times higher than for rear-facing infants; for children 12 to 23 months old, the odds were 5.32 times higher.”

The undeveloped bones in your child's growing body are in danger if you face them forward too soon. One of the biggest arguments that I have heard against rear facing toddlers is that there legs will break in an accident, my favorite saying is "Do you want a cast or a casket?". Or that their toddlers are uncomfortable and would rather be facing forward. Your children don't know any different, they've never experienced facing forward so how would they know that rear facing is more uncomfortable? Below are the many positions that my son sits in perfectly content while we are in the car, all of which are safer to him than any alternative.

As mothers the safety of our children is always first on our minds. Some of the best things I have ever learned is from the advice of others around me, as well as some of the worst. The beauty of advice is that it's simply that.. it's advice. It is up to you, as the mother, to decide what to do with that advice. All I can ask is that when a mother/father/family member/friend or even stranger seeks to give you advice pertaining to the safety of your little one's don't jump the defensive gun. No one is telling you that you're a bad mom, do you know why they are telling you this? Because they care. They care enough about you and your children to share information that they find valuable with you, that is such an incredible compliment. So take my "tips" as you will and travel safely this holiday season with your little ones. 

And a very blessed and Merry Christmas,

-T

Additional recourses (great reads!):

 - http://csftl.org/why-rear-facing-the-science-junkies-guide/

 - http://www.safercar.gov/parents/index.htm

 - https://www.healthychildren.org/English/safety-prevention/on-the-go/Pages/Car-Safety-Seats-Information-for-Families.aspx

Postpartum

Why is it that during pregnancy we cherish and nurture our bodies needs for ourselves and our growing little ones, then once we give birth that all seems to fly out the window? I am a Class A example of what it's like to forget to love yourself after you have a baby, and let me tell you.. I regret every moment that I spent in that mindset.

I was told while pregnant with my son that I was young enough that I would just "bounce right back" and that if I was to breastfeed that I would just "shed the weight". Welp. I didn't. Being young nor breastfeeding helped me worth a dime and I got to a point where I removed all the mirrors from my home.

There are three major flaws with the story I just shared and let me tell you why. First, the obvious, I didn't to a darn thing to help my body after being pregnant. My diet went back to the cruddy food I was used to being able to get away with eating and realized that my new found mom bod didn't appreciate my lack of knowledge on nutritional foods. Truly, it wasn't until I was pregnant with Colbie and diagnosed with GD that I was better able to grasp what nutritional really entailed. I wasn't giving my body what it needed to provide for myself and my son all day every day and there was no way I was going to be able to fall back into old habits after now having myself and two children to look after!

Second flaw, less obvious. Postpartum success IS NOT based on weight loss alone. GASP! I know it's hard to believe but if you base all of your success on trying desperately to get back to where you started just know you could wind up extremely disappointed. Why? Because no matter how much wieght you lose or gain, no matter what creams you use or tricks you try you will never be back where you started because your body can never undo the miracle that it just went through! My hips will forever be bigger than they were before I had babies - because they had to stretch in order to carry them, there's no undoing that. I will always pee a little when I sneeze - because my babies took a toll on my bladder, and that's okay. In the same way my personality, goals, dreams, morals and values have all changed and the thing is every part of me has changed for the better because of my babies. I will most likely never weigh what I did before I had Carter and that is okay because my body isn't meant to be like that anymore. The term "mom bod" is something to be proud of, something that so many woman would love to say about themselves and can't. Find your happy healthy medium and wear it with pride.

The third flaw, I never thanked my body. I never took the time to look at myself and realize that my body did something incredible. Thank you for making space, thank you for carrying two healthy children and nurturing them completely, thank you for the miracle that is motherhood. Without this body there is no Carter, and there is no Colbie. Without this body there is no me. The ability to carry a child is so unseen and under valued in this day in age, when did it stop becoming a miracle and start becoming an inconvenience. If I asked any mother whether she wished she could get rid of her permanent "pooch" more than she wanted the child in her arms she would laugh at me. I think we all need to take a moment and thank ourselves for what it is our bodies have allowed us to do.

What did we do differently this time:

This time around town I invested in my postpartum experience and it has been nothing shy of bliss. I had my placenta encapsulated - helping my milk supply, bettering my mood (extremely), helping me have the energy to tackle being a mother of two. I also invested in the Benkung Belly binding experience and the benefits are unlike any other. I have always seen postpartum belly binders but once I learned that it all stemmed from the ancient Chinese practice of benkung belly binding I knew exactly what route I would be taking. This involves an extremely long piece of muslin fabric that (with help) is wrapped around a woman;s belly 2-3 days post vaginal delivery or 2-3 weeks post cesarean. It helps speed up postpartum bleeding, aids in nursing posture, and helps the muscles that were so stretched out mend themselves.

I invested in a postpartum meal and work out plan involving easy, light exercises that would keep my mind in the mood to better my body (meal and diet plan by @purefitpurefood). We were sure to get all the baby gear that was necessary to involve the children on walks during the cold and rainy season in the Pacific Northwest.

And I thank my body. For all that it went through to provide me with two beautiful children. It's shocking to see what a difference your attitude alone can make. Postpartum is hard, emotions run wild and the exhaustion is real. But loving yourself any less for the miracle you just accomplished makes no sense.

- T

| Placenta Pills and Benkung Binding by : @urbanearthbaby |

Owlet - Rest Assured

Sleep and Motherhood. Those are two words that don't necessarily go hand-in-hand when one imagines their journey through this beautiful lifestyle. It certainly wasn't what we experienced with my first born, as he was sure to wake us up every hour and a half like an alarm clock. Once Colbie was born I figured we would be experiencing the same things. I had myself a list of Netflix shows to shuffle through while I stayed awake countless hours in the middle of the night while the rest of the world around me slept (and snored..) but to our surprise we gave birth to a baby who genuinely loves her sleep. 

What a blessing!

... in disguise. 

When she came home and immediately started sleeping 5-6 hour stretches you would figure that I would be such a happy and well rested new mother of two but I couldn't sleep a wink. I would get about 1.5-2 hours in before my body woke itself up to check on her breathing. I spent quite a few nights draped over the end of my bed with my hand on her stomach occasionally dozing off before yet again, I would wake in a panic to make sure she was still breathing. It wasn't long before my husband and I realized that she was just going to sleep, we should take advantage of it and this me not sleeping gig wasn't going to work.

When we came across Owlet we knew that this was exactly what we needed. This tiny little sock that slips on her left foot is how I am able to sleep at night, goofy as it may sound.

Why?

Because it will alarm me if things start to look awry. The sock uses pulse oximetry technology to monitor her heart rate and oxygen levels and via wifi it sends this information to a base station that sits on my bed side table - the base station then emits a green light to let me know that her readings are within a normal range. If they aren't I will be awoken with an extremely loud alarm an a beating red light. The technology is so advanced that it will also turn the base station yellow if it can tell that the sock has been placed incorrectly and blue if the sock ever goes out of reading range. 

If that isn't enough peace of mind right there it gets better, hold onto your socks - no pun intended. You are also able to download the Owlet app on your phone and view her heart rate and oxygen levels as often as you please. Again, if anything starts to head out of a normal range your base station and phone will now alarm you to check on your baby. Any time that I wake up to roll over I will open it, look at her readings and drift back off, I can finally allow myself to rest while she sleeps and take full advantage of the beautiful little sleeper that she is!

I can be well rested to take on the next day through my journey now as a mother of two beautiful children who require all of my attention. Being rested enough to promise this to them is a gift so underestimated. 

The Owlet monitor is only intended to be used in safe sleep situations, i.e. always lay your baby to sleep on their back, alone in their crib, with no extra goodies (no blankets, pillows, toys, bumpers etc.). Before purchase be sure to read their disclosure by clicking HERE. You can visit their website for more information HERE, and be sure to follow them on Instagram @owletcare 

We couldn't be more thankful for the peace of mind, and the gift of rest that this little device has given our family. 

- T

Colbie Update : Tongue and Lip Tie

Before Colbie I had never heard of a tongue tie so this is all new to us. A short backstory, after having lots of breastfeeding issues in the hospital we saw a lactation consultant before we left who shared with us hat she believed Colbie had a tongue tie (meaning the tongue was "tied" to the bottom of her mouth with some extra tissue making it extremely difficult for her to feed). It was diagnosed as a posterior tongue tie - in short meaning that it was more severe and harder to clip.

We sought out a doctor who said he performed over 500 tongue tie clips a year and after we asked (repetitively) if he felt he could clip it completely in one shot he promised us up and down that he was qualified. He clipped it within a few short seconds, left and we went on. 

Here we are two weeks later with a slue of issues and now we finally have a grasp of what is going on. 

- He did not clip her entire tongue tie - it will now have to be corrected via laser procedure.

- She also has a severe lip tie that needs to be lasered as well.

- The roof of her mount (palate) is extremely high due to her suckling issues, and we now will have to receive Cranio Sacral Therapy to fix it.

- She is no longer gaining weight

- Her stomach is distended (extremely large) because it is filled with gas - a common sign in tongue/lip tied babies

- When measured she is only eating less than an ounce per feeding, when she should be eating 4 or more ounces.

- Because of that my milk supply is hurting

- I now have to pump after each feeding, then feed her with a special tube while she tries to continue nursing

All of these issues combined have created quite the sense of defeat, especially after having breastfed Carter flawlessly for 15 months. However I think is is SO INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT that I share my struggles with you.

Why?

Because I had no idea what a tongue/lip tie was and had we not seen a lactation consultant in the hospital I wouldn't have done anything to fix it. Chances are that it would've entirely ruined our breastfeeding relationship that is so special to me. Many tongue/lip tied babies are weaned early because doctors don't check for tongue/lip tie and will incorrectly diagnose babies with Colic, or will tell the mothers that their milk is the problem. 

Please, if you are having feeding issues look into tongue and lip ties and you can salvage the breastfeeding relationship. All appointments are set and we will update as we see success! Colbie lady, it's just one small bump in the road.

- T

Sweet Sweet Sleep

When our son was born I was told all about that newborn sleep deprivation stage but no amount of story sharing could have prepared me for what was to come. I birthed a 9 pound 2 ounce baby boy and was then told that because he was so big he would sleep better.. false. We got home and he woke every 1.5 hours. He did so for months, even still at almost two he wakes once on most nights.

My husband and I only knew one thing was certain and that was that we just couldn't stomach a cry it out method. It just wasn't what worked best for us, so we then had to find out what did work. Through our struggles with Carter, our lessons learned and now our ease with Colbie here are the tips that we have collaborated together :

(Keep in mind, this is only what worked best for us. Everyone and every baby is different!)

1. Babies Thrive on Routine
Babies, children and truly even us as adults need routine. We need some solidity in our confusing world, especially little ones who are still busy navigating it. We started routine with Carter at a very early age and the simply routine that worked best for us was "Bath, Book, Boob/Bottle, Bed". It is as easy as it sounds! At 7:30 we start a Bath for Carter, for Colbie being so young we only sponge bath her every few days, then we read him a book, then I either rock him to sleep or lay with him in his bed until he falls asleep. Many people get frustrated at the falling asleep step but think about it this way, this is special one-on-one time you have with your child to both wind down together. I wouldn't give it up for the world, no matter how long it takes I am there with him and I adore every moment. With a routine children/babies are better able to establish the fact that there is night and day. Once they get used to their routine they understand that it is time to sleep now.

2. Tired Children DO NOT Sleep Better
Children and babies both know how much sleep they need. If they fall asleep it is because their bodies told them they needed to. I remember hearing theories on keeping your children awake, depriving them of a nap and so forth to make sure they were extra tired for bed that evening. A tired child is restless and bothered and in my experience Carter nor Colbie has ever slept better because I forced them to be awake at any period of time. It has only ever caused Carter to wake more at night because his body is confused.

3. Lavender is Always your Friend
Essential Oils are amazing little tools, I never would've believed it before using them myself (in fact I thought it was a bunch of bologna). After finding Lavender I will never go back, Carter has a lavender lotion that we use after bath time that is different than daytime oatmeal lotion we use if he has dry skin. We also spray the bed with a lavender mix and he loves nuzzling his nose into his pillow and it soothes him to sleep. Minus the many benefits of lavender itself, for Carter specifically the smell soothes him. If he wakes at night he is comforted by the smell like other children are comforted by a blanket or special stuffed animal.

4. Set the Tone, Bedtime needs to be Soothing
Oh yes.. I totally get it. Bedtime can be full of tantrums and denial but I've realized that if AJ or I get stressed - Carter can read that and the whole process blows up in our face. Before bath time comes around the corner we dim the lights in the house, start some calming music, sit together as a family while watching a movie/show and snuggle and often we will diffuse lavender to help. Having Carters wild, crazy toddler mind slow down allows him to fall asleep so much easier. For our newborn we do the very same! When it's time for us all to go to bed we put background noise on the television in our room (she loves it), we dim the lights and snuggle for a while before we change her, swaddle, and feed her to sleep.

5. Individual Self Soothing Techniques
Self soothing tends to cause people to think of cry it out methods - many methods say that it teaches children how to sooth themselves to sleep and because we have not experimented with this I wouldn't know whether it works. What I do know is that I was able to teach both my children self soothing methods without tears and that made my heart happy. Carter never swaddled, never took a binky, doesn't like stuffed animals or blankets and this was difficult for me to find what worked best. But it didn't take long before we realized that Carter is soothed most with noise and light. He can't sleep in the dark, it causes intense amounts of stress on him so we got a huge green nightlight for his room and play rain noises all night long. Using these he is able to calm himself down and fall asleep. Colbie on the other hand is a swaddle and binky fool, she loved the closeness of the swaddle and could suck all day on a binky. Specifically we use the Ollie Swaddle and a Natursutten pacifier. These combined help her put herself back into a deep sleep when she wakes at night.

Sleep is essential to sanity, however sleepless nights are all a part of being a mother. They come hand in hand. I have learned that while for some sleep may come easy (like for my daughter) and for others sleep has to be learned and perfected over time (i.e. Carter). I hope that through a few of these tips you can search to find what works best for your children! Tasking and time consuming it may be, but the reward of a solid nights sleep is so worth while.

- T

What the Internet did to my Second Child

The internet gave my second child an unfair disadvantage. I love articles, I love blogs (duh) and I love reading about peoples experiences and professional advice. So it was a no brainer that I would run into 3 million to many informative pieces about second children once we found out we were expecting Colbie, and ironically here I am writing yet another one to add to the bunch.

But I want this blog to be much different. This blog is going to be one of a very small handful that serve a positive purpose. I want to take back your impending fear, I want to share my own experience and I want to shed light on something I found to be false. Adding a second child was not the horror story it has been written out to be so many times.

Article after article I found circling the internet was so quick to tell me that my life was about to become one big, confusing hectic mess and that there was nothing left to do other than succumb to the chaos and lose myself along the way. Has anyone ever stopped to ask.. well why? Why does my life have to be this way, with two children or ten?

I had endless nightmares about what would happen to my relationship with my first born after reading all about how many mom's confessed they thought their first born was "an annoyance" after having their second. I was terrified of the thought of my house turning into a disaster zone because I lost any and all free hands to keep it tidy. I was even more scarred of all of the promises that I would never again have time to love myself because I was having another baby.

It didn't take long until I found the flaws in their reasoning.

In bringing home Colbie I felt obligated to share what I personally have found to be true:

1. Having a newborn in the home is a breath of fresh air - I forgot the serenity that comes along with a tiny resting newborn. There is a renewed sense of innocence and yes.. even a certain calm falls over the house. Even in her moments of tears-a-plenty I am thankful for her bringing a change of pace. Life slows down and I enjoy that.

2. Your children are born to love each other - Yes, there have to be moments of jealousy as your first born adjust to the change. Carter (who hasn't been breastfed in nearly 6 months) lost his brains when he saw me nurse Colbie for the first time. He has his meltdown, got it all out and it's never happened since. But between every small moment of jealousy or anger comes 10 more moments of undying sibling love. They just love each other. If you so choose to focus on the not so hot moments than be my guest and wallow in the unhappiness it will bring your way, but if you refocus and see the beauty in the relationship you brought to them the joy is relentless.

3. You've been here, you've done that - I heard one too many times that falling back into the newborn flow was draining, but I couldn't find any truth to that. Before I had Carter (my first born) I had never experienced being forced awake at night, I had no one to think about other than myself, my husband and I were allowed do go wherever we wanted whenever we wanted. No having to be home around nap time, no not being able to go with friends because it wasn't a kid friendly activity. When Carter was born every aspect of my entire life changed in the blink of an eye and that was incredibly overwhelming! I had to change all aspects of my life over night. Not only this but I had no idea what I was doing! When Colbie came into our lives I already knew she would wake at night, we were used to having to say no to lots of activities and our lives were already hardwired around our children. There wasn't much change necessary to fit her in, and truth is she just slid right into place. The change was much less intense and overwhelming.

Adding children to your family is always a huge decision, there is lots of weight riding on your shoulders the entire nine months and that's never easy. But my heart pours out such intense love for not one.. but now TWO beautiful children and there is nothing that makes me happier than knowing that they are both mine forever. The switch from a family of three to a family of four was made out to be difficult and frustrating and I am in hopes that with the right outlook and attitude about life's changes you can find the same peace and beauty as we have throughout our transition.

Life with two is immensely rewarding.

- T

My children are Loved, Therefor they will be Okay

On February 15th, 2014 my son was born into the world. He was the most beautiful, innocent.. and terrifying thing I had ever laid my eyes on. Here me out - 

After the pure bliss and magic of the moment he was born settled down and I was left staring into the eyes of this little child as I realized that I was now in charge of someones entire life. The hospital was actually going to send me home with this baby when I had no idea what I was doing! I remember counting down the weeks of my pregnancy so excitedly because with each passing week I would "worry less". This is so far from reality, the worry only starts with a positive pregnancy test, I signed myself up for a lifetime of worry when we decided to bring children into the world. The first few months of Carter's life were spend in a daze of confusion as I delved myself into hours of research on every topic I could fathom in order to make sure that I was making the right decisions so that I didn't "ruin" my son. There were plenty of articles so bias telling me that if I make the wrong decision that it could impact Carter for forever and those words damaged a part of me. I'm here to tell you that's not true.

My children are loved, therefor they will be okay. 

The one "cure" to all of the millions of "problems" and "bad paths" that I never saw was love. Without love what are we? Sure I could research all the right words to say when Carter decides to throw a toddler sized tantrum but without loving him through it we can't get anywhere. If I chose this way rather than that way, the books will tell me that I am doomed, but I know this isn't true. Why? Because we have love. I am going to make many wrong decisions in my children's lives but with love I can accomplish anything.

I love them enough to admit when I am wrong. 

I love them enough to say that I am sorry. 

I love them enough to look at myself and my problems before being set on the fact that it is their problem. 

I love them enough to lay with them until they close their eyes each and every night until they no longer wish to have me there. 

I love them enough to give them all of my time, over anything else that may be going on around us. 

I love them enough to forgive them when they are having a rough day.

I love them. And that is enough. 

Either we can focus our lives on endless hours of research on what is "right and wrong" when it comes to raising our children or we can simply chose to love them while they are still young. Tackling all of the many issues with love alone can change their lives. I may not make all the right decisions but my children are loved, they know they are loved, they love me and we are going to be okay. 

-T

Lactation Banana Bread Recipe

Breastfeeding mom's unite! I have been fortunate not to struggle with supply issues but I always make sure to stay on top of managing my supply by drinking loads of water, gatorade (my secret supply booster!) and making lactation cookies. I made them quite often while breastfeeding Carter and it was a good excuse to sit back with cookies and milk and binge. This time around I got the urge to make them - thanks to the post of a good friend @giggleswithgabriel - but also craved some banana bread and went to scour the internet for a recipe to make both cravings come to life and sure enough one exists!

Here below is Lorin's Banana Bread Recipe we got from Chowhound, feel free to click HERE to be linked to the website for more information. Chow away friends! (P.s. I may have added some chocolate chips..)

- T

Instructions :

1. 1Preheat your oven to 350. Grease a 10 inch loaf pan.

1. 2Mix together the flax seed meal and water in a small bowl or cup and set aside.
2. 3In a medium bowl whisk together the dry ingredients (except the nuts).
3. 4Using a stand mixer on low speed combine the butter, eggs, sugar, banana and milk.
   Add the vanilla and flax and turn up the speed to medium for about a minute.
4. 5Use a rubber spatula to incorporate the flour mixture into the banana mixture 1/3 at a time. Stir in the nuts. Scrape into your greased loaf pan and place in preheated oven.
5. 6Bake 50-60 minutes. Let cool 10 minutes. Remove from pan and let cool completely.

Ingredients : 

• 
  
• 2 Tblsp flax seed meal
• 4 Tblsp water
• 1 3/4 c. all purpose flour
• 1 1/4 c. quick cut oats
• 1/2 tsp salt
• 1 tsp baking soda
• 4 Tblsp brewers yeast (sifted)
• 1 tsp ground fenugreek
• 1/2 tsp ground cinnamon
• 1/2 c. butter (softened)
• 3 eggs (at room temp)
• 1 c. sugar or 3/4 c. agave
• 1 1/4 c. mashed bananas ( about 3 medium or 2 large bananas)
• 2 Tblsp milk
• 1 tsp vanilla extract
• 1/2 c. chopped pecans or walnuts

I was Given a Task.

I remember watching that second little line appear and screaming for my husband, I could not believe that we were on our way to adding a second little one into our family! Of course once this all happens you have 1 million +1 worries run through your mind - Will I carry this baby to term? Are there two? Can I still have my morning cup of coffee? And so much more. Oddly, while all the typical concerns tasked my mind I found one not so typical thought that I was unable to shake... What if it's a girl?

In sixth grade I was bullied. Bad. I was new at my school although it was just another elementary school down the road, I got braces put on the day before school started, I knew no one and quickly tried making a few "friends". Those friends of mine made me realize just how hard it was to be a girl. What they put me through was absolutely ridiculous, yet I was so scared of it all I would run a thermometer under hot water to fake a fever so that I could stay home. Even on days that I didn't show up to school they would come to my home and taunt me at my door. As the years passed I watched them fall apart in their own insecurities while I learned how to thrive, and truly... nothing satisfied me more than that alone. Bullying was only the very beginning of what "being a girl" came with.

When I hit high school I realized that I had an "image" to uphold. Everyone did. There was a class system and there was a lot of hard work to be done in order for it to remain stable. Could I have just blown it off? Sure I bet I could've, but the fear of the unknown was enough to "keep me in line". I was on the dance team and surrounded by girls I genuinely loved, doing something I was passionate about and thankfully that was enough to get me through the rest of the junk I found myself a part of.

Then there are boys. It was clear even at that age, there are boys and there are gentlemen and why teenage girls aren't attracted to the guys they know they should be attracted to I will never understand! I spent one too many nights alone in bed and in tears over some stupid kid who didn't deserve any part of me. I finally found myself with a nice guy a few years ahead of me and him and I were together for quite sometime. As great of a guy he was, our relationship was no walk in the park. He went off to college and we tried to make it work - and we did for three long years - but I allowed him to walk all over me. He cheated on me. Multiple times. And for whatever reason, in my head I felt that he was still worth while. Someone who deliberately broke my heart was deserving of my soul in my eyes. And it took me leaving the state for college to finally break it all off, but instead of breaking it off because I felt I deserved better I broke it off because I didn't like the long distance struggle.

I then went to college and went into a field that was predominantly dominated by men, for no reason other than it is just easier for them to be able to accomplish things size wise. I let a few teachers talk me out of pursuing that field because of how hard it would be as a female... and so I went elsewhere.

Being a girl is hard.

Raising a girl is harder.

How am I supposed to show her all that she is worth in this world, while teaching her to laugh at the bullies, ignore the childish boys and never give up on her dreams? How am I supposed to ensure that she doesn't feel the pressure to dress a certain way? How am I supposed to show her that her body was created perfectly despite all that others may tell her? How can I keep her from all those tears that she will shed over the years?

Before I knew it... she was here. I had a daughter and all those fears became a quick reality. Except something changed in that moment.

I realized I can't keep her from any of that.

God gave me a task, because he knows I can handle it. I am not meant to keep her from all of that no matter how badly I want to shelter her from the woes of this world. I am here to hold her through it all. I am so proud of the woman that I have become and the family that I am raising because of it, and none of this would be my reality without all of what I went through before hand. Every tear and every seemingly stupid moment was molding me, it was teaching me all that I needed to know to get to this point right here right now. All of that happened to me so that Colbie could happen to me.

So while I still rue the day she comes home telling me about what a few girls did to her, or what dumb boy broke her perfect heart I no longer fear it. Because those people and those days are what is going to make Colbie, Colbie.

I will simply be here to hold her through it, and we can face our fears together.

- T

What having a baby did to my Toddler.

We found out that we were expecting the week that our son turned one, we waited until we were 12 weeks along before telling anyone because we knew that alongside the news many people would have lots of questions that were going to be frustrating to answer.

- Yes. We did plan this.
- No. I am not crazy.
- You're right.. I don't know what I am getting myself into.
- I do fully understand I will have two under two.
- Yes. If we have more the gap will probably be similar.
- Yes. We are happy.

When people hear that you actually planned to have two children close in age it comes as a shock to them, I couldn't tell you why. My toddler and newborn are 20 months apart and there has yet to be a time we travel out into public without someone telling us how "brave" or "crazy" we are. Even worse, complete strangers asking if we "are done" now. Almost as if they are implying that us having children so close is a childish act we needed to get out of our system. Far more often then not, when people ask us these questions they follow it up asking about how our son handled the transition into brotherhood at such a young age. This is my favorite question to answer.

How did Carter handle becoming a brother at 20 months of age?

With Grace.

There is a reason that we chose this age gap, and it is the very same reason that people choose to have larger age gaps. We chose this because it was what worked for our for our family! My husband and I both have siblings that are much further apart in age, and that was what worked for our families. As a family they decided that 5+ years was what they needed, just like many others do. We desired something different and it works and that's okay.

My son transitioned fluidly, he loves his sister. We include him in everything, we don't try to keep them apart out of fear he is too rough, we take turns spending one-on-one time with him and life only became more beautiful with Colbie's presence. We understood that there would be a little bit of confusion and talked about how we wanted to address that confusion before she arrived. All in all.. we are okay, our life wasn't turned upside down and neither was his.

There are age gaps much smaller and much larger than the one that we happened to see fit for our family, and guess what? That's just fine. Because other people's reproductive choices aren't up to me to decide.

What happened to my toddler when we had a baby?

Our hearts all grew together, and I was lucky enough to watch it unfold.

- T

Colbie's Birth 10.28.15

Throughout our pregnancy we were consistently faced with new hurdles that we had to navigate through before our little girl arrived. In the beginning, being that I had a prior c-section, our OB shared that he was comfortable letting us go overdue in hopes of going into labor naturally to give us the best chances at a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean). Once diagnosed with gestational diabetes he broke the news that we would have to be delivered at 40 weeks. We took this rather hard considering our first born wasn't born until 42 weeks, I didn't have faith that my body would decide to go early this time around. We decided to take gestational diabetes head on and I was able to keep it completely controlled with my diet until about 36 weeks. One morning I woke up with blood sugar numbers that weren't appealing despite everything I had been doing, and I was then put on medication and told that 39 weeks was now as far as I was going to be allowed to go. As frustrating as it was to hear, AJ and I kept faith that my body knew what it was doing. This was going to work.

Monday, October 26th rolled around and we were ready as we headed to the hospital to check in at 6 pm where shortly after I had a folly bulb inserted. Then it was a waiting game. I was told to try to get some sleep because it wasn't going to be taken out until the next morning unless it fell out on it's own.. let me tell you, there was no sleeping. The nurses would come in every few hours and pull the folly bulb (which was pulling on my cervix) in order to keep it taunt. The pressure was unreal but with each contraction I tried focusing on the fact that this was only the very beginning. 

Tuesday, October 27th at 7 a.m. we had the bulb taken out and were told that we had progressed from 0 cm to 3.5 cm and the bulb had done it's job. At this point I was allowed to shower, relax for a moment and eat a breakfast with my husband. This hour in time was precious, it was the first moment that we have had to ourselves to sit back and relax in seemingly forever and so we soaked every second of it in as we cuddled and shared pancakes. The pitocin drip was started very slowly at 9 a.m. We worked through our contractions walking the halls, in the tub and on the yoga ball welcoming each and every one knowing it was one step closer to meeting our blessing. At noon we were checked once more at 4 cm and my water was broken. It wasn't long before I found myself completely dependent on my husband through each painful contraction, as I felt each one coming on my body went limp in his arms and we breathed together. Eventually he coaxed me back into the tub where he was able to pour warm water over my back and use pressure points to help me through each contraction. I decided at about 5:30 p.m. that it was time for the epidural. Shortly after it was placed I felt relief as our photographer walked in and we were able to collect ourselves for a moment before the pitocin was amped up. Similarly to Carters birth the epidural didn't ever completely ease my pain, which is just how I needed it. I liked being able to keep pain somewhat managed while being able to feel what my body was trying so hard to do. 

Shortly after this I found myself in a scary place. Things started to mimic the birth of my son, but rather than starting to panic I found myself in such an intensely focused place I didn't speak for hours. I was focused on being able to get to the end. I craved each contraction and with each one the pressure grew stronger and stronger. I spiked a fever, and my heart rate rose to match the baby's which called for internal monitoring needing to be placed. The nurses were in and out every few minutes flipping me into all sorts of positions in order to stop our child's heart rate from dropping and to monitor my rising blood pressure. The one true strong arm I had through my process was my medical team, my OB and nurse stood by my side promising me over and over that I could do this, that a csection wasn't going to be called because I was going to get the baby out in time. I finally caved to another cervical check at about 1 a.m. once the pain of the pressure became nearly unbearable and the nurse shared that I was only at 7 cm, however the baby was at a 0 station and just waiting to arrive. She paused for a moment and walked out without saying a word and came back with one of the most pivotal woman of my entire birthing process.. they call her magic fingers. 

Magic Fingers happens to be a nurse who was once a midwife, so skilled in "speaking to the cervix" (as the nurses joked) that she has yet to have a patient end in a cesarean in years. She luckily was on staff that evening and said she would gladly come work her magic on me. To call it "magic" would be belittling what she does. Without anyone telling her, she came in and checked me and shared that I was indeed at 7 cm and still had part of a cervical lip over the baby's head. She took a deep breath and said "With the next contraction you will be at a 10 and ready to start pushing". The next contraction came and that was that. I was at a 10 and ready to push. 

The nurses geared me up and we began the long process of descending the baby, I pushed in plenty of positions but wasn't getting the "oomph" I needed. My husband kept telling me how he could start to see the baby's head and that there was hair! I can't tell you how long I have dreamed of the moment I would hear those words from AJ, I wanted to see what he was talking about and asked for a mirror and a squat bar. After being able to see what I was doing and using the squat bar as an extra source of strength our little one began to make her way into our world quickly. I saw her hair and was able to watch the whole process ensue. My doctor came in and gave us a big hug and asked if I was ready, I replied "Let's do this" and with that my husband scrubbed up and waited to catch our newest addition. The place that I was in during this moment is unexplainable, there are no words to do it justice. It was primal, beautiful, motivated and blissful. I felt no pain, I heard no one, I said nothing and it was as if no one existed in that moment but AJ and myself. 

On Wednesday, October 28th at 2:52 a.m. before I knew it my husband was standing there holding up the most beautiful little girl I had ever laid my eyes on. He placed her on my chest and there was no holding back, we embraced each other and cried. I gave birth.. I couldn't comprehend that alone. I gave birth. I not only gave birth, I gave birth to my daughter. One of the biggest fears I have faced in life is the possibility of having a daughter and not knowing what I was doing but in this moment my love for her was effortless. I knew what I was called to do and all I could manage was hold her against my chest and cry. She was everything we've ever needed. 

Our doctor let a while pass as we waited for her cord to stop pulsing and my husband was able to cut it. The room began to clear after I received a few stitches for one minor tear and her and I stared into each others eyes for the first time. Staring into Colbie's eyes I felt as if I had known her my whole life, she was so familiar to me yet so new. How was there ever a life before her presence? After a while passed she was able to share skin-to-skin time with her father as we sat in silence admiring the creation we had made. 

Colbie Amanda, born October 28th at 2:52 a.m. 7 pounds 8 ounces 19 inches long. Every part of her and her older brother is our saving grace. Every moment of her birth was beautiful, supported, and surrounded with so much love. I am forever thankful for our supportive medical team and my husband who steps in as my birth coach. This is only the very beginning of our forever, and there isn't anyone more perfect than Colbie to spend it with. 

- T