I remember watching that second little line appear and screaming for my husband, I could not believe that we were on our way to adding a second little one into our family! Of course once this all happens you have 1 million +1 worries run through your mind - Will I carry this baby to term? Are there two? Can I still have my morning cup of coffee? And so much more. Oddly, while all the typical concerns tasked my mind I found one not so typical thought that I was unable to shake... What if it's a girl?
In sixth grade I was bullied. Bad. I was new at my school although it was just another elementary school down the road, I got braces put on the day before school started, I knew no one and quickly tried making a few "friends". Those friends of mine made me realize just how hard it was to be a girl. What they put me through was absolutely ridiculous, yet I was so scared of it all I would run a thermometer under hot water to fake a fever so that I could stay home. Even on days that I didn't show up to school they would come to my home and taunt me at my door. As the years passed I watched them fall apart in their own insecurities while I learned how to thrive, and truly... nothing satisfied me more than that alone. Bullying was only the very beginning of what "being a girl" came with.
When I hit high school I realized that I had an "image" to uphold. Everyone did. There was a class system and there was a lot of hard work to be done in order for it to remain stable. Could I have just blown it off? Sure I bet I could've, but the fear of the unknown was enough to "keep me in line". I was on the dance team and surrounded by girls I genuinely loved, doing something I was passionate about and thankfully that was enough to get me through the rest of the junk I found myself a part of.
Then there are boys. It was clear even at that age, there are boys and there are gentlemen and why teenage girls aren't attracted to the guys they know they should be attracted to I will never understand! I spent one too many nights alone in bed and in tears over some stupid kid who didn't deserve any part of me. I finally found myself with a nice guy a few years ahead of me and him and I were together for quite sometime. As great of a guy he was, our relationship was no walk in the park. He went off to college and we tried to make it work - and we did for three long years - but I allowed him to walk all over me. He cheated on me. Multiple times. And for whatever reason, in my head I felt that he was still worth while. Someone who deliberately broke my heart was deserving of my soul in my eyes. And it took me leaving the state for college to finally break it all off, but instead of breaking it off because I felt I deserved better I broke it off because I didn't like the long distance struggle.
I then went to college and went into a field that was predominantly dominated by men, for no reason other than it is just easier for them to be able to accomplish things size wise. I let a few teachers talk me out of pursuing that field because of how hard it would be as a female... and so I went elsewhere.
Being a girl is hard.
Raising a girl is harder.
How am I supposed to show her all that she is worth in this world, while teaching her to laugh at the bullies, ignore the childish boys and never give up on her dreams? How am I supposed to ensure that she doesn't feel the pressure to dress a certain way? How am I supposed to show her that her body was created perfectly despite all that others may tell her? How can I keep her from all those tears that she will shed over the years?
Before I knew it... she was here. I had a daughter and all those fears became a quick reality. Except something changed in that moment.
I realized I can't keep her from any of that.
God gave me a task, because he knows I can handle it. I am not meant to keep her from all of that no matter how badly I want to shelter her from the woes of this world. I am here to hold her through it all. I am so proud of the woman that I have become and the family that I am raising because of it, and none of this would be my reality without all of what I went through before hand. Every tear and every seemingly stupid moment was molding me, it was teaching me all that I needed to know to get to this point right here right now. All of that happened to me so that Colbie could happen to me.
So while I still rue the day she comes home telling me about what a few girls did to her, or what dumb boy broke her perfect heart I no longer fear it. Because those people and those days are what is going to make Colbie, Colbie.
I will simply be here to hold her through it, and we can face our fears together.
- T
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