21 Weeks.

21 years old, 21 weeks pregnant and 21 more reasons to smile! As the weeks pass Carter seems to get more and more interested in what is going on with mommy. He has always kissed and loved on his "bebe" but until now thats as much as he seems to be interested in the idea. Now that mommy is getting noticeably larger he seems to be a little confused and searching for answers.. he has tried to give my belly medicine, cover it with a blanket playing peek-a-boo to see if it disappears and laying all over it in every direction to see if it can go away. Sorry little man but you haven't seen anything yet.. prepare yourself!

This week I did a lot of reflecting on the parent that I desire to be to both of my kids. How I want to show them that I love them all while keeping their best interests in mind. One of the hardest parts of parenthood for me to grasp is the realization that I DO want to be my kids best friend, I will try as hard as I possibly can.. but I am there parent before anything. As Carter gets older and I have to steer him away from things that could harm him while he gets upset, I am learning just what is means to be a parent before a friend. So I wanted to write an apology to my children, so that in the future when they are upset with me they know just why I do what it is that I have to do:

Little Ones,

I am sorry.
I am sorry for saying no, saying not now, and saying not ever.
I am sorry for leaving too soon or deciding not to go in the first place.
I am sorry for telling you I'm uncomfortable with ideas, friends, and places.
I am sorry for hurting your feelings.

What you don't see is that I'm not sorry for keeping you safe.
I'm not sorry for steering you towards successes and carrying you through your failures.
I'm not sorry for loving you beyond what you can comprehend and sometimes loving you a little too much.
I do all that I do for you, not for myself, because without you my life has no purpose.
Making you upset with me breaks my heart although you may not see it.
Behind closed doors I ache for you, because I have been there too.
I'm never sorry for being a mother, a mother I should always be.
A mother I will always be.
But I am sorry that you are upset with me.

As must as you want me to tell you it won't happen again,
I can promise you that it will.
For as long as I live I want to see you happy, healthy and thriving.
I want this world to see how much you mean to me, and everything that you are capable of.
So forgive my harsh words and high tone.
I am busy loving in the deepest of ways.

Parenting while in these young stages can seem blissful and ever-easy, however we are only just getting started. I am learning as I go, without a clue as to what I do next. Someday I will be raising young children, then teenagers, and then my adults will be raising their own. It is my job to get them there, and get them there safely, and that involves hurt on both ends. I'm not looking forward to the days when I have to be the "bad guy" or "that mom".. I don't ever want to be name shamed. But I have to be. We all do. All I know now is that I will love them through it all, that will never change. So embrace these tiny, easy moments and look forward to the changes yet to come.

Happy 21 weeks my littlest love, we love you so dearly, even in the hardest of ways.

-T

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