But I'm a Boy Mom. 30 weeks.

Here we are, the big 3-0! This leap always hits me like a ton of bricks, knowing that this child that I've worked to diligently on is set to enter our lives so soon is just as exciting as it is nerve wracking. When I was pregnant with Carter I seemed to worry less about the transition I was about to make because it didn't seem real to me, somehow I couldn't comprehend that I was actually going to have a baby. Now that motherhood is real and true to me I have been able to grasp the idea that I am in fact going to bring another little soul into this world. With this realization I have learned a lot about myself.

A major difference between these pregnancies lies in my head. A bunch of seemingly irrational fears that are silly to everyone but myself, and in reality I know that they probably are silly but none the less they are real. I'm not the only one who has felt this way I know that much, but something about getting it "down on paper" eases my worries. I am not talking about the typical second time mom fears that come hand in hand with this pregnancy, I know that I will love this child just as much as I love my Carter (although it seems impossible), I know that I will have time for both of my children, I know that Carter will thank me some day for the beautiful gift of a sibling and we will all be okay. I'm talking about a fear much deeper than those.

I'm scared to be a "girl mom".

Maybe it's because I just know how to do "boy mom". I've spent the last 18 months of my life perfecting the boy mom inside of me and loving every messy, wild, loud and chaotic minute of it. Maybe it's because change is always a scary concept. Maybe it's because when I look back on my own life I know how hard it was to be a girl. Either way I have spent endless hours awake at night trying hard to think of the type of mother I want to be to a daughter, because either I will pass or I will fail. There is no middle ground.

I want to make her feel beautiful in a world that tries to tell her that she isn't. I want her to feel "good enough" in a sea of self doubt. I want to empower her to do anything she wants to do in a world that makes it difficult for her. I want her to spend her days in confidence and bliss, being a girl mom means that I am in charge of helping this beautiful soul escape every harsh word and situation that is to come her way.. and there will be many. I pray often for the strength to raise a daughter, and even harder for the strength to be a woman worth looking up to.

Irrational, probably. Stressful, extremely. In a few short weeks we will come to find out if all of these worries were worth my time at all or if I will remain the "boy mom" that is well within my comfort zone. But lets be honest, motherhood in itself is a little outside of every one's comfort zone. There's no way to comprehend what this life is like until you find yourself a part of it and no matter the millions of books you may read, you learn best as you go.

So sweet babe, if you are my little lady please help me alongside this long journey you set on to womanhood. I will make many mistakes, I won't always have the right words and we may not always agree but empower me to raise you to be more of a woman than I am. In return, I promise to always be a woman worth looking up to.

10 more weeks Henry or Poppy, you are loved.

-T